Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Safe To Hope

     I hate the Enemy. When he sees we have freedom in one area he attacks in another and his attacks are relentless. God says resist the devil and he will flee from you. Is there a time factor for that? How long must we resist in one area before it gets any easier. I woke up this morning struggling with the same old thing, condemnation. There are so many reasons why I am "bad" right now. All I can see is my selfishness and insecurity and am certain that everyone else sees it too. Surely people are mad at me, and that makes me mad and bitter and insecure towards them. I know this stems from a lie and am and have been fighting it for a while but it isn't getting better. So we come back to the same old questions. Is there unconfessed sin in my life? Is there something wrong with me? Will today be any different? And the loop of lies is still playing. No one loves you or likes you enough to see you through this. No one wants to hear about it any more. Everyone is annoyed with you. You won't get better. There is no hope. I pray and pray and occasionally can see a small glimpse of truth like a break in the clouds. It's all in my head. It is the Enemy's lies. I am free. Everything really is ok and I am not alone. But these moments are fleeting. However I am not ready to give up. God's promises are true and his timing is perfect. He has not left me as an orphan and I am not too much for him. It is safe to hope in him and hope does not disappoint. Just take the next step. Persevere.
     Please say a prayer for me if you're into that sort of thing. I need a break through.

1 comment:

amo said...

believe me, I know how you feel! And I have gone through some of the same experiences here. Every morning is another day of Trusting God and trusting myself to put Him first, in EVERYTHING...especially my thoughts. But one thing I cling to...is something my director taught me my first year...he broke down the verse Isaiah 54:17. And in it, it says that no weapon (which means: any article, vellsel, implement, utensil, or apparatus) formed (meaning: fashioned specifically for you by the Enemy) shall prosper (meaning: to advance or make progress or succeed). And I pray that all the time. That even when I become my own worst enemy, that no weapon formed against me shall prosper, but that I will silence any voice raised up to accuse me, and standing firm in Christ, refuse to give up hope that God is bigger and better, and more amazing than anything else I could possibly try to cling to.

And I know that when you're in the midst of it, people who quote scripture and give "christian" advice can be really annoying, but just know that i am praying for you and you are in my heart and thoughts. always. :)